It has been 5 days since I met him,
I don't know whether it has gotten better or worst.
Day 1- Evening
* Can't stop thinking of the look he had when he tell me he thought she was the one that he will spend the rest of the life with.
* Throwing so many "historical" things I kept for the past years while listening to Emotional tracks.
* Tears cannot stop flowing out & chest hurt so badly that I can hardly breathe.
* Finally manage to felt asleep at 1:00am but waking up at 2:30am feeling terrible and only able to sleep back at 3:30am, waking up at 5:30am for work the next day.
* Tears flowing while on the way to work and chest hurt so badly.
* Wear on happy mask and place all focus on work.
* Feel terrible when being alone
* Can't stop crying when thinking about him.
* Only able to sleep at 2:00am, slept for only 3 hours.
* spoke to friend and cry the hell out
* hard to focus at work and tears kept trying to flow out during work
* Felt better after all the talking and crying
* Slept for 3 hours only
* Able to look physical fine now.
* Chest still hurts badly.
* Talk to friend and the tears came back
* Able to sleep for 6 hours but sees him in the dream
* Waking up to reality and it hurts
* Look totally fine now
* Listen music & work & think of every single stuff to prevent him from entering my mind
* Finally able to sleep but still sees him in the dream
* Still hurts badly and cannot bear to hear about him
* Removed him from FB and deleted his message as can no longer bear to see it.
* Met up with friends and chat but still hurt badly, wish I could forget everything.
* Listening to 思慕 more and more often.
* Emotions starting to be turned off :
Tears - 99% off
Bad mood - 20% off
Act - 99% on
I wish I never knew...
I need to turn all the emotions off...
I can't take it anymore...
September 8, 2017
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
So many years has pass by since then, and I thought I have get over you long ago.
Until the day we met again, I realized that I never did;
I realized that I had only buried “You” deep within my heart all along.
When we finally reconnected after all these years and you asked me out to catch up on life,
I was so excited and nervous like a teenage girl being asked out by her crush for a date.
Memories from the distance past started to flow back into my mind:
The good times we spend together;
The feeling we shared;
The love we had;
It was all coming back to me bits by bits.
As we exchange messages and reminisce about the past,
I thought to my self :
“If this is the second chance that God is giving me, I will held on to it tightly this time.”
On the day we decided to meet up,
I woke up hours ahead to prepared myself as if it was my first date.
My heart was beating so fast until the extend that it was getting a little hard for me to breathe.
I kept glancing out the window while waiting for you to pick me up.
When you finally showed up at my door step,
I saw the familiar face of the boy I loved deeply years ago,
Who had now turned into a fine young man,
And I was smiling from the heart once again.
As we spend the day together,
And through the conversation we shared,
The way I could still put a smile on your face,
I had my hopes up as I thought you felt the same way as I do.
But I know it right away that I was wrong,
When I see the look you had on your face when you told me about her.
I never knew you still weigh so much in my heart after all these years,
And that my heart could still hurt so badly.
It is then I realized, I had never got over you before.
I have only buried “You” deep within my heart as the pain was too hard to bear.
As I recall more and more about the past,
I remember it took me 3 years back then to buried you deep within my heart:
The nights of endless tears,
The things I do to get you out of my mind.
As the pain was too hard to bear,
I had to turn off my emotions so I could move on.
I made the choice to leave you as I wanted you to have a normal and happy life,
With friends, family and the girl you love deeply,
Not the life that revolved only around me.
If i could turn back time,
I will still make the same choice,
As I saw you had live a great life without me.
After all the pain and suffering I went through the years,
I never knew I could ever feel such pain again in my life.
It has been 3 days since I met you,
And it has been 3 nights I could not sleep,
Waking up in the middle of the night,
With tears in my eyes.
The thought of you,
Makes my tears flow endlessly,
Makes my heart hurts so badly I could barely breathe.
I work endlessly so I would not have the time to think of you;
I stick with colleagues and friends so I would not have the time to think of you;
Because I know the moment I am all alone and have nothing to do,
My tears will flow endlessly as I think about you.
Suddenly I wished I had never reconnected with you.
The pain was too much for me to bear.
The song “思慕” as below describe exactly how i feel:
September 6, 2017